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Well, I simply could not resist. I don’t know why, I normally don’t tire my little brain with what’s happening in La La Land but I was feeling a wee bit depressed this week and felt like a good ol’ bitchin’ to make myself feel better. And what could be more relaxing and rejuvenating than trashing the appearance of celebrities while slowly going through a whole box of chocolates (filled with chestnut and heavenly)? And please don’t tell me to try yoga and meditation because I may or may not wish you to get ear blackheads and stomach cellulite. So, Golden Globes it is and may I start announcing the victims because, trust me, this is going to be a massacre. I’m sure you’ve already seen two or three (or more) fashion related reportages on the evening’s gowns but I’ll zoom in and talk about make up. Go fetch a cup of tea, turn on the bitch mode and join me.

1st Trend: The Natural Look, meaning “so natural it took an hour and three quarters to complete” but succeeds in making any innocent male that’s left, to believe that you are not, in fact, high maintenance, that you only need 5 minutes to get ready to go out and that you actually wake up looking just like that (insert manic laughter). This look is exactly that or with a bit of added eye liner for extra drama…

Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller: “Please let me in, I’m over 18, srsly!”

Sienna Milller –ΟΚ, agreed, she’s looking pretty, fresh-faced and glowy. The foundation used was Chanel Vitalumiere, a great base for those with normal to dry and “tired” skin and rumour has it that St Tropez Rose Skin Illuminator, was applied to highlight and achieve that “natural” and healthy glow. The thing is… is it just me who thinks that this makes her seem a bit too proper? …Like she could star in the Little House on the Prairie? And not as the mom?

Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried: “That’s just my bed head, furreals!”

Amanda Seyfried –The “virgin nymph” hair-do which is a result of a blow-out, big hot rollers and possibly extensions, transcends to the face: Girlie just applied some mascara and off she went. I do have to say though that when your eyes are THAT big and somewhat bulging, you belong to the very exclusive minority who actually look better with a bit of dark eye-liner applied to the inner rims –to balance things out. Got it, Amanda?

Megan Fox

Megan Fox: “If I tilt my head, maybe I’ll look more normal to the minions”

Megan Fox –This makeup isn’t exactly invisible, as there’s a bit more intensity on the eyes and mainly on the brows (a bit too much if you ask me) but this also leans on the natural side. As extraordinary as this young lady’s genes may be, I do believe the latest cosmetic surgeries (that only she herself knew why she needed) have made her face look as natural as 100% original teflon.

Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard: “Bitch, please, I’m french and fabulous”

Marion Cotillard – I’m finding it hard to find something bad to say, but at least I’ve got a beauty tip for you. This look is a splendid example of perhaps the one and only case where a brightly coloured eye-liner is flattering: When it is applied directly above a black line that sits right on top of the lashes. What I mean is that you apply your black liner as per usual and above that, your blue, teal or purple liner, creating a clean double line effect that combines colour with intensity. Otherwise, 99% of the times it looks crap, unless you’re under 18. Marion’s makeup artist, Christophe Danchaud, used a combination of Tarte Skinny SmolderEyes Amazonian Clay Eyeliners in Amazonite Blue and Slate.

Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway: “I embody all the innocence that’s left in the world”

Anne Hathaway –Lips are a bit more emphasized here with an earthy pink but the result, again, is effortless and natural. Even though I am not a fan of the “à la garcon” haircut (especially when paired with a gown, when it’s with jeans I don’t really mind), I have to confess that dear Anne looks fresh and adorable, even though you’d bet she just got back from Sunday school. Possibly skipping along the way, holding hands with Sienna Miller.

2nd Trend: Intense Eyes, featuring a smokey eye and/or thick winged eye-liner and big fat fake lashes.

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman: “I am actually trying to smile”

Nicole Kidman –Nicole’s make up falls in-between of the 1st and 2nd categories, with individual lashes applied in little clusters over the lids (not too expertly or I wouldn’t be able to spot them) and I think I can just about see a teeny tiny bit of blue eye-liner on the bottom lash line, an old trick that’s meant to brighten eyes and mirror her eye colour, while remaining otherwise invisible. Nothing wrong with any of that. My only issue is that old Mrs Cruise has gone WAY overboard with the botoxing in recent years, resulting in her whole face looking totally immobilized, an ailment that seems to have been transmitted to her hair, which would not budge even if a hurricane hit it.

Adele

Adele: “I look sooo much better photoshopped, damn it!”

Adele –Our beloved ex-heartbroken singer did what she always does, meaning her signature retro Bardot hair-do and matching 60s make up, with plenty of liquid (or gel) liner, tarantula lashes and pale pinky-beige lipstick. No surprises here even though she could use some friendly advice on how to look good in photos. Rule No 1: Chin DOWN. And when I say “chin”, I mean both of them.

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria: “My neck, my back, my lip-liner gives no fack!”

Eva Longoria –Eva also chose one of her tried and tested looks for the evening, focusing on the eyes and keeping the rest simple and glowy with peachy-pink hues. A safe choice, you’ll say. Sure, but with those individual lashes that appear to be placed by Captain Hook suffering from Parkinson’s, her eyes look like semi-plucked chickens. And don’t get me started on the dark lip liner which is simply unacceptable… And has been for about two decades.

Claire Danes

Claire Danes: “Do my eyes look crazy in this?”

Claire Danes -Matin Maulawizada, Claire’s makeup-artist and Global Artistry Director of Laura Mercier said he wanted to create a fun and sexy look and keep things interesting with a smokey eye and pale lip, even though Claire was wearing a red dress. From what I’ve read, beauty journalists around the globe loved the result. Well, I think it was a complete FAIL. Not so much the idea but the execution. It would probably look fine with a black dress, but here it looks way too much and over the top, not chic at all, in fact she looks like she’s got a black eye. Correction: She looks like a raccoon that’s got a black eye.

JLo

JLo: “Hello my lovers! I had twins but I’m hotter than you’ll ever be”

Jennifer Lopez –I love her. Truly, madly, deeply, always and forever. Her and Scott Barnes who used to do her make up. For the Golden Globes, make up was done by Mary Phillips, who worked on JLo’s signature look of fierce eyes, flirty lashes, glowing skin (especially cheekbones) and soft peachy-pink on lips and cheeks. Mary says she used a lot of L’Oreal products such as a couple of the Colour Riche Eye Shadow Quads and, for the lips, Colour Caresse Shine Satin in Eternally Nude.

Trend No 3: Nude Lips

Halle Berry

Halle Berry: “I’m not even on Walking Dead”

Heidi Klum

Heidi Klum: “I look awesome, seriously. Forget the lip”
Kate Hudson

Kate Hudson: “I’ve still got it and I know it”

Halle Berry, Heidi Klum & Kate Hudson –In these 3 photos we see 3 looks with nude, almost concealer-like lips. Now, we’ve said this before. Not only were nude lips a trend like… 5 years ago but, simply, It Doesn’t Look Good On Everyone! To be exact, it doesn’t look good on most. For example, Halle and Heidi look like hell (compared to how they normally look), they seem drained, lackluster and tired, they actually remind me a bit of corpses. Extraordinarily beautiful corpses, to be fair, but corpses all the same.And we’re talking here about two of the most beautiful women on the planet. I mean, come on! Kate, on the other hand,   looks just fine and this probably has to do with her pale ivory skin in opposition to Heidi who is an avid tanner and Halle who I believe was tan since birth.

 

4th Trend: Strong Lip

Rachel Weisz

Rachel Weisz: “This is class, ladies”

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore: “My dear Rachel, I know exactly what you’re talking about”

Jessica Chastain

Jessica Chastain: “Thanks girls, I KNOW”

Rachel Weisz, Julianne Moore & Jessica Chastain –Again, 3 versions of practically the same make up, but this time, they all deserve an applause -even prior to the acceptance speech. Do pay attention to this particular category because not only is it classic and classy but also makes for an excellent alternative to red lipstick, that it is much *much* easier to wear. It allows you to add a bit of drama to the eyes with a dark neutral (brown, grey, taupe or charcoal) without looking like a drag queen (as you would if the lips were bright red). Pair that sultry eye with a creamy lipstick slightly worked on with the fingertips until it becomes more of a stain, in shades of medium to deep earthy pinks or full on berries. Jessica Chastain is wearing L’Oréal Colour Caresse Shine Stain in Berry Persistent and is a beauty role model for all natural readheads anywhere.

Isla Fisher

Isla Fisher: “Have you any idea how much body make-up I’m wearing? -only j/k!”

Isla Fisher –Another readhead, another success story. Isla deserves a Golden Lipstick (what? haven’t these awards been invented yet?) for her gorgeous red wine lips and the rest of her make up that complements them ideally. Perfect matte skin, just a touch of blush, groomed brows, beautifully accentuated but low key eyes, pretty lashes and a touch of pearly highlighter in the inner corners. The shade of her face and the shade of her neck are such an exact match that it brings tears of joy to my tormented eyes.

Rosie-Thief-of-Jason-Statham

Rosie-Thief-of-Jason-Statham: “All you humans must die”

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley –Rosie-what’s-her-name’s make up, falls under the Strong Lip category and does look pretty damned good, I grudgingly have to admit. No one can doubt that the girl’s beauty is unreal. However, the emphasis here is on “unreal”. Seriously, doesn’t she look like a Cyborg? As if she works on batteries? I bet Jason (Statham) –who she stole from me using nothing but lies and deception- plugs her in every night to charge.

Jessica Alba Orange

Jessica Alba: “Did my makeup artist actually say ‘but it’s close’?”

Jessica Alba –And here we have yet another lip that put on quite a performance. According to Elle’s editorial team, this was the best make-up look of the night. Make-up artist Lauren Andersen said she was inspired by the peach Oscar de la Renta gown and used Hourglass Opaque Rouge Liquid Lipstick in Riviera. She continues: «I loved the contrast between her glowing skin and the matte tangerine hue. It’s an almost tropical pop of colour that doesn’t exactly match the dress but it’s close…” EXCUSE ME? Dear Lauren, I, yes I, can create a lip the exact shade of that dress in 3 minutes. Little old moi. Even if you don’t have that same peach shade in your traincase (which you should), you can mix up a couple of lipsticks, glosses, some eye shadow, a bit of concealer, ANYTHING and get that same shade. But YOU, you are a Hollywood make-up artist… and you couldn’t match a lip with a dress? “But it’s close”? Seriously? And yes, maybe you *didn’t want* an exact match. Fine, I get it. But couldn’t you use a lighter peach or a darker peachy-coral but still with the same base tone? Did it have to be orange? Jessica’s lips, sorry but you’ve been tango’d!

Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie: “What, this isn’t a 70s party? Daymn!”

Nicole Richie –I saved the best for last. There are many MANY websites, including huffington post, that place this look up there with the best of them. OK, I think I’d better go take a nap because this is all too much for my poor eyes. I mentioned earlier, when talking about that little angel Amanda Seyfried, that *her* eyes are somewhat bulging and that she could balance it out with a bit of make-up, no big deal. And then I see *this*. Nicole, who probably keeps a mirror on her person at all times to check every so often if her eyes have fallen out of their sockets (which would prove challenging in case they indeed fell, but still), you know, in order to prevent her from chasing her eyeballs down the red carpet. Nicole, who was never a beauty of any sort, just Paris Hilton’s BFF and famous for being famous. And SHE goes and matches PERFECTLY the eye of Sauron (under eye bags and dark circles a bonus) with her sky-blue dress. In the year 2013, shimmery pastel blue eye shadow (foiled for maximum impact) under the harsh sunlight (all those Hollywood events seem to start in the daytime, don’t ask me). If you really need to know what was used, it was Elizabeth Arden Beautiful Color Eye Shadow Single in the shade Sky. That Sky was *my* limit.

P.S. I am not normally bitchy at all (pinky swear), the girls (well, nearly all of them) were gorgeous and I over-exaggerated even the tiniest faults, but I hope this made you smile. Now we just have to wait for the Oscars…

Product info from ElleUK & Refinery29
Photos from graziadaily.co.uk
 
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